Tortellini Gross Calvin Out

What’s for dinner, Mom? Tortellini. Oh, no, not tortellini! I hate tortellini!! Oh, gross! Yecch! Tortellini!! Nothing is more disgusting than tortellini!! Can’t we have something else? No. tortellini … tortellini … t – o – r … Calvin walks into the kitchen and asks his Mom what’s for dinner. Mom says that the family will be having tortellini tonight. Calvin makes all kinds of silly faces to express that he won’t like it. Calvin’s Mom insists on the tortellini. Later, Calvin looks it up in a dictionary.

As long as there is Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs in the house, no need to worry.

Yukon Ho Poem

My tiger friend has got a sled,
And I have packed a snack.
We’re all set for the trip ahead.
We’re never coming back!
We’re abandoning this life we’ve led!
So long, Mom and Pop!
We’re sick of doing what you’ve said,
And now it’s going to stop!

We’re going where it snows all year,
Where life can have real meaning.
A place where we won’t have to hear,
“Your room could stand some cleaning.”

The Yukon is the place for us!
That’s where we want to live.
Up there we’ll get to yell and cuss,
And act real primitive.

We’ll never have to go to school,
Forced into submission,
By monstrus, crabby, teachers who’ll
Make us learn addition.

We’ll never have to clean a plate,
Of veggie glops and goos.
Messily we’ll masticate,
Using any fork we choose!

The timber wolves will be our friends.
We’ll stay up late and howl,
At the moon, till nighttime ends,
Before going on the prowl.

Oh, what a life! We cannot wait,
To be in that artic land,
Where we’ll be masters of our fate,
And lead a life that’s grand!

No more of parental rules!
We’re heading for the snow!
Good riddance to those grown up ghouls!
We’re leaving! Yukon Ho!

Calvin and Hobbes travel to Yukon, Alaska by foot. Hobbes carries the toboggan and smiles at Calvin. Calvin wears a kind of motor cycle helmet and holds a globe in his hands that’s supposed to be their map. Supplies are in their backpack.

Mrs Wormwood – Resistance Is Futile

Spaceman Spiff flees the despicable scum beings of planet Q-13! In a surprise maneuver, our hero turns to face the adversary! His hand tightens around the death ray trigger! It doesn’t respond. Spiff reaches for the mertilizer beam, but it doesn’t work either! Neither do the phospho bombs or the mordo blasters! Nothing is working!! 1812! Gettysburg! 16 fluid ounces! I before E! Thomas Edison! Perhaps someone who has been paying attention can help out Calvin! Spaceman Spiff escapes from evil creatures. Laser beams miss his spaceship. He grinds his teeth. To strike back, Spaceman Spiff turns and tries to fire his weapons. None of them works. Mrs Wormwood asked Calvin a question. Calvin shouts out the most likely answers to a question he doesn’t know at all.

I love Calvin’s answers.

Serenity Prayer – Calvin Edition

T Know what I pray for? What? The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can’t, and the incapacity to tell the difference. You should lead an interesting life. Oh, I already DO! Calvin and Hobbes go for a walk outside when Calvin turns to Hobbes and asks him if he’s interested what Calvin prays for. Hobbes is. Calvin says an alternate version of the serenity prayer. Hobbes’ interpretation leads him to the conclusion that Calvin will lead an interesting life. Calvin thinks it’s interesting right now.

Paul Revere Brings Presents On Independence Day

Tomorrow is independence day. The Declaration of Independence says everyone is created equal and is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Oh. So when does Paul Revere ride through town and give us our presents. Calvin and Hobbes hang out under a tree next to a little river. Hobbes explains the content of the Declaration of Independence. Calvin hears that a holiday is coming up and asks when Paul Revere will bring presents for every one.

So if I hear a bell ring on Independence Day, that will either be an ice cream man or Paul Revere. Either way I win.

“History Is A Fiction To Persuade Ourselves”

We don’t understand what really causes events to happen. History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That’s why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices. So what are you writing? A revisionist autobiography. Calvin and Hobbes sit at Calvin’s desk. Calvin explains Hobbes the complexity of history and its reevaluation everytime values change. Hobbes asks what Calvin does. Calvin writes on a reevaluation of his own life.

You can read the Wikipedia articles of Ernest Shackleton and Robert Falcon Scott if you want to better understand what Calvin talks about.

Gravity Bill Not Paid

I couldn’t read it because my parents forgot to pay the gravity bill. Calvin sits on his bed in his room and studies. He clearly doesn’t enjoy it. Suddenly, he hovers in his room. His book, his cushion, his blanket and his lamp float in the air. Calvin is able to turn himself upside down. In school, Calvin uses the loss of gravity as an excuse for not doing his home work.

I thought I pay taxes for that.

Hobbes: “Animals Are Soft And Huggy”

You know, sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place. That’s why animals are so soft and huggy. …yeah…Calvin and Hobbes sit under a tree and Calvin tells Hobbes that the world can be cruel for him. Hobbes tells him that animals are tender and smooth for a reason.

If you have an animal near you while you read this…this is the perfect time to give him or her a hug.

Character Building: “Everytime I’ve Built It, I’ve Regretted It”

I hear you signed up to play softball at recess. Yeah, but I didn’t even want to. I just did it to stop getting teased. Well, sports are good for you. They teach teamwork and cooperation. You learn how to win graciously and accept defeat. It builds character. Every time I’ve built character, I’ve regretted it! I don’t WANT to learn teamwork! I don’t WANT to learn about winning and losing! Heck, I don’t even want to COMPETE! What’s wrong with just having fun by yourself, huh?! When you grow up, it’s not allowed. All the more reason I should do it NOW! Calvin’s Dad gets home from work and puts his jacket in a closet. He starts a conversation with Calvin on the sports sign up at school. He appreciates Calvin’s choice for soft ball saying it builds character. Calvin says he just did it so the other kids wouldn’t make fun of him. He doesn’t want to learn about winning or losing and other aspects of competition. He just wants to have fun. Calvin’s Dad says grown ups must not do that. Calvin sees it as an argument for his point of view.

Don’t you get it, Dad? Calvin doesn’t want to learn about team work, he doesn’t want to learn about winning and losing, he doesn’t want to compete…Calvin demands euphoria!

Calvin’s Dad Tells “Stories With No Point” About Escalators

When I was a kid, my Mom would take me to the big old department store downtown, and I used to love riding the escalators. The escalators there had wood stairs, and they used to click, clack, and creak. The wood slats on each step were maybe half an inch apart, and I always wondered if ladies got their high heels stuck and got pulled under. Some of those escalators were very narrow – just wide enough for one person. Yep, those old escalators had a lot more personality than these slick metal ones. I’d hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point. Calvin and his Dad are in a mall. They enter escalators that take them up. Calvin’s Dad gets nostalgic and tells Calvin how great escalators were in the “good old days”. Basically, they were more dangerous and less convenient. Yet, Calvin’s dad says they had “personality”. Calvin hopes that he’ll never end up like his father and his stories.

Will the stories we tell our children about smart phones be stories with no point?